Shame: Feeling Invisible in Plain Side

Shame is something we’d rather not talk about, yet it has a profound influence on how we see ourselves and others. We all know the everyday kind of shame, like stumbling in public, saying something foolish, making a mistake. Uncomfortable, but it passes. There is also a chronic form of shame, a feeling of ‘something is wrong with me’, that has become so familiar you can barely recognise it as shame anymore. It forms the backdrop against which you experience yourself and others.

Shame shows up in the body

Shame doesn’t only live in thoughts. It also shows up in the body. You might recognise the way you hold your breath when someone asks you something personal. How your shoulders tighten when attention falls on you. How you smile through something you don’t actually feel, or how you realise after a conversation that you spent most of it making sure the other person was comfortable.

The nervous system tries to avoid risk without us even knowing it. When being visible was once connected to rejection or pain, withdrawing can become the safest strategy. You show less of yourself, you don’t share what truly moves you, and from the outside you might appear calm or easy-going, while on the inside there is considerable tension.

Shame develops in relationship

Nobody is born feeling not good enough. Our sense of self develops in contact with the people around us. When a child feels seen and safe, it develops the trust that it is allowed to exist as it is. But when feelings are repeatedly ignored or criticised, it learns something different. For a child, it is barely conceivable that its parents couldn’t give it what it needed, the dependency is too great for that. Far safer is the unconscious conclusion that something must therefore be wrong with itself. By taking that blame onto itself, the image of a loving parent remains intact, and with it the hope that connection might still be possible.

Shame becomes a survival mechanism, an intelligent adaptation. You adjust by making yourself invisible, even when you are outwardly present in the middle of life.

The paradox of connection

The painful thing about shame is that it undermines precisely what we long for most, connection. We long to be seen for who we really are. At the same time, we fear that, as soon as someone gets to know us properly, rejection is inevitable. As a result, we seek closeness whilst at the same time shielding ourselves from the vulnerability that this requires, sometimes through perfectionism, sometimes by making ourselves small, sometimes by always appearing strong, or conversely by keeping our distance.

Within NARM, the Neuro Affective Relational Model developed by Laurence Heller, shame is not seen as a fixed feeling or a truth about who you are. It is something you do, a pattern that once served to preserve connection or safety. Working with shame doesn’t ask you to work harder on yourself, but to learn to look more gently at the ways you have come to protect yourself. By becoming curious about how shame has shaped your sense of self, your relationships and your body, you can slowly loosen its grip, so that what has been invisible can become visible again.

source: Healing shame and guilt by Laurence Heller and Stephan Niederwieser