Shame: Feeling Invisible in Plain Side

Shame is often something we’d rather not talk about, yet it profoundly shapes how we see ourselves and others. Especially when shame stems from early childhood trauma or attachment difficulties, it can hold you back in significant ways, often felt not just emotionally, but physically too. A collapsed posture, a held breath, the impulse to make yourself small.

Chronic shame can develop if, as a child, you did not receive the emotional support and safety you needed. When a caregiver is unable to see or respond to what a child truly needs, the child rarely thinks the caregiver is at fault. More often, the child turns inward and concludes that something must be wrong with them. By taking on that blame, the child holds onto the sense of a loving caregiver, protecting the attachment bond that feels necessary for survival. In that way, it feels safer to believe ‘there’s something wrong with me’ than to recognize that the other person is falling short. Shame then becomes a survival mechanism. You adapt by making yourself invisible, even when you are fully engaged in life.

According to the NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM) developed by Laurence Heller, shame is a core aspect of how we experience ourselves and our relationships. If, as a child, you felt unworthy or unseen, this can later show up as anxiety, depression, or difficulty forming close relationships. Shame becomes an invisible barrier that keeps you from being truly yourself, and one that is often carried quietly in the body long before it finds its way into words.

While shame can be deeply limiting, it is possible to shift your relationship with it. Within NARM, shame is not seen as a fixed emotion but as something you do, a pattern that once served a purpose in keeping connection or safety within reach. By becoming curious about how you are shaming yourself and how this has shaped your sense of self, your relationships, and the way you inhabit your body, awareness begins to grow organically. From that awareness, and with greater compassion toward yourself, you can gradually loosen shame’s grip and allowing the invisible to become visible again.

source: Healing shame and guilt by Laurence Heller and Stephan Niederwieser